On happiness

Ever know something intellectually, and repeat it over and over again, thinking you totally comprehend it, only to discover you had really only memorized words, neglecting to fully understand the meaning of them?

As a psychology major, former case manager, and "consumer of mental health services" (namely, Buproprion HCl [for depression]), I have heard more times than I can count that the most successful treatment for mental illness is a combination of drugs and therapy. It was almost cliché. Beyond that, it sounded so simple. Of course! If drugs work, and therapy works, the combination of the two treatments would work better!

Alas! I really feel like, after having suffered from depression for 10-15 years, and having all of the training mentioned above, i didn't really get it until just a few minutes ago.

Antidepressants work. I feel much better. I don't have bouts where I feel ready to crash, where I want to do nothing except sink my head into my pillow. What I still DO have are feelings of inadequacy, problems being social, anxiety, and mood swings. What the antidepressants have done is make them less of a problem, which is great, except I feel that (at least at some level) I was a more interesting person before I started taking them.

Mind you, I am not going to quit my medications! But what I am going to TRY to do is work on improving these things. The medications made my negative moods less severe, yes, but they did not particularly increase my positive attitude. In fact, they may have made me appreciate it less, because it wasn't as drastic of a change. I need to show my negativity less: complain less, dwell on bad things less, let fewer problems occupy my thoughts (or at least reduce the time I think about any ONE problem).

I need to focus MORE on how good I feel when things are going right; I need to assume people are not trying to hurt me when things go wrong, and I need to take a more active role in being friendly.

I don't know if I will succeed at this, but I am going to try! If I have weird mantras taped up places, this is why.